well so far today i've done nothing. i'm just tired, sick, and bored. i have nothing that i can do. you can only take so much of cleaning your room and watching the same old movies all the time. i'm sitting here waiting for steve to get off of work so i can go see him.

i think i am at a point in my life where i need to make a decision. i have no friends. we all no that. at least not close enough friends to hinder me from getting school done and what not. i want to go back to college and get a couple classes done. the only problem is money. i also want to go back to school because it will take my mind off the fact that i have no life. from four until midnight i have no life. the only time i get to go out and do stuff with people is when steve is off of work. its not his fault, its my fault because i don't like going places by myself. i have no one to go with other than steve. basically i work and sleep. i see steve when i can. i know everyone is thinking 'oh well you drove your best friend away because of steve so its your fault'. when i originally got with steve i was reassured that i wouldn't lose my best friend. then after she went, everyone hates me now. i've learned to live with that, what i can't live with is the fact that i suck at making new friends. steve has all of his friends from work he can hang out with, but i have no one. anytime we go out steve has a list of his guy friends he can call to hang out with. i always feel like such a tag along because they are all his friends. i'm hoping if i go back to school, and work at the same time i won't feel so secluded because i'll be busy. what has always been my problem is when i have free time to sit and do nothing but sit and think about how pathetic i am. i sit and analyze myself and my life and realize that i'm doomed to be friendless. my horoscope always says i'm a humanitarian and give all of myself and put others first. after 21 years of this i'm so drained i dont think i can go on. i try so hard to please everyone and make sure everyone else is okay that i've forgotten i have needs to. the only problem is that my needs cannot be filled as easily as others. you can't just out and buy friends, or push a button to mend broken friendships. the severed friendship in my life are not mendable. they have been cut, burnt and tied off for good. i wish things hadn't turned out as they had but i cannot change those things now, so i wish to not dwell on them. while tesslyn was at my house last night and i was looking at pictures from high school and fun times afterwards, i almost had to cry. they brought back painful memories. i don't like seeing pictures of me and marcie, me and tyler, me and jenna, or worst of all me and our group of friends in high school before we all started hating each other. i know that if someone who hates me now were to read this they'd laugh and point fingers and wish the hurt and pain on me. i'm not childish enough to be that way towards them. i wish everyone well and hope things are going great for them. i feel so utterly useless and worthless as a human being because i can't even find friends. its pathetic. i guess its karma coming back on me for patronizing tyler those couple of years we were together because he didn't have any. i am getting whats owed to me. i guess i was spoiled before. i had a lot of friends. we would show up at each other's house anytime, go hang out at awkward times of the night, or just go to walmart for no reason. it was all done on a whim. spontaneous if you will. i miss that. i dearly miss it. i hate crying about things that others find humerous. i know i shouldn't think of those who have left me, but its hard to totally forget a friendship that was solid and had gone on for years. it breaks my heart because i know i fucked up and fucked them over and i deserved to be ditched. what hurt the most was being lied to and told i wouldn't be ditched, but was. then again i probably deserved it. hopefully tomorrow i can register for classes and busy myself so i have no free time anymore. free time is what taunts me and laughs at me. free time cause my idle mind to bring up what i have been trying so hard to crush. life is shitty, and most of its my fault.